Send in the Clowns
by Inion Lugh
Summary: Vegeta's thoughts during Final Atonement. Please r&r, I hope some if it is very original.


Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters from DBZ. Pity, eh? I also don't own the song "Send in the Clowns" from A Little Night Music by Stephen Sondheim. He's the genius, not me.  
  
Author's Note: I got this idea on a pure whim. I was reading a "What Vegeta felt during this episode" when all of a sudden I started to listen to my music, and I heard the line from "Send in the Clowns" that says, "What a surprise, who could foresee, I'd come to feel about you what you felt about me" and I realized that this statement was the pure essence of Vegeta giving his life in the fight against Majin Buu. When you realize something like this, you just have to write about it. So I did. I admit, I used the exact lines as used in the FUNimation (English dubbed) production. I felt that the only way to truly get across my thoughts on what Vegeta was feeling was to use the version exactly as I saw it so you could figure out how I came across each idea. I do hope you enjoy this, and I hope parts of it are rather original.  
  
1 "Isn't it rich  
  
Are we a pair  
  
Me here at last on the ground  
  
You in mid-air  
  
Send in the clowns  
  
Isn't it bliss  
  
Don't you approve  
  
One who keeps tearing around  
  
One who can't move  
  
Where are the clowns  
  
Send in the clowns  
  
Just when I stop opening doors  
  
Finally knowing the one what I want was yours  
  
Making my entrance again with my usual flair  
  
Sure of my lines.no one is there  
  
Don't you love farce  
  
My fault I fear  
  
I thought that you'd want what I want.  
  
Sorry my dear.  
  
Where are the clowns  
  
Quick send in the clowns  
  
There ought to be clowns  
  
What a surprise  
  
Who could foresee  
  
I'd come to feel about you  
  
What you felt about me  
  
Why only now  
  
When I see that you're drifting away  
  
What a surprise  
  
What a cliché  
  
Isn't it rich  
  
Isn't it queer  
  
Losing my timing this late  
  
In my career  
  
And where are the clowns  
  
Quick send in the clowns  
  
Don't bother  
  
They're here"  
  
---Send in the Clowns  
  
I can't see. I'm weak, dizzy, and dying, but the thing that frightens me the most is that I can't see. Does it matter? No, not really. That ugly blob is going to finish me off soon, and then sight won't matter one bit.  
  
I'm afraid. I admit it, I'm afraid. I've been close to death before, but now.now there is no one to help me, and there is so much left to do.so much left to say.  
  
In this near-dead, half-awake state, I can only think of two things.Trunks and Bulma. What a fool I have been! I love them dearly, and yet I have never been able to express my feelings to them.  
  
Some of my strength returns.not much, but suddenly I realize that something is wrong. Where did Buu vanish to? Did he die somehow? I will myself to see, and suddenly realize the source of my blindness. My eyes are closed! I try to force them open, but I am too weak.too tired.I should just let myself die.  
  
"Dad?"  
  
"It's alright now. We're here."  
  
Those voices! Trunks and.Kakarot's son? Goten? What are they doing here?  
  
"C'mon Dad, wake up!" Trunks, I am awake! If only I were stronger.  
  
"Is he alive?" Of course I'm alive, you nitwit!  
  
"Of course he is! My dad's the toughest guy in the whole world!" Not any more, Trunks.I'm dying, son. I can't move, I can't speak, I can't even open my eyes!  
  
"Yeah, but.but he got hurt real bad."  
  
"Hey Goten! Clean out your ears and listen to me, okay? My mom told me my dad, he used to be the prince of every single Saiyan!" Prince of every single Saiyan? Yes.I used to be.I thought back on Trunks' words, noting the deep pride and fear in his voice.  
  
"He's a prince?"  
  
"That's right. He's a prince, Goten. A prince. And there's no way a prince could lose to a stupid monster." That's right. A prince shouldn't lose to a stupid monster. Trunks' words gave me renewed strength, but that was only part of it.the pride shining in his voice, the knowledge that I, his father, was strong.I felt my heart crack slightly at his words, and I suddenly longed to be far away from here, spending a day alone with my son. I forced my eyes open painfully, and saw the pure joy in my son's eyes. "That's it, Dad!"  
  
"He's awake!" Of course I'm awake, stupid boy!  
  
I tried to move, found I couldn't, and nearly cried out with pain. "Trunks.my son." He and Goten grabbed my arm, my shoulder, and pulled me into a sitting position. Trunks looked at me with patience, love, a strange mix of emotions that were alien to me. It didn't matter that Buu was out there, wandering around, this gaze- "Wait! Where is Majin Buu?" I hurried to stand, weak and dizzy as I was, and ignored every ounce of pain that coursed through my body. Somewhere far off, I heard the singsong of the monster. Not dead. After all I'd given, the blows he'd taken, he wasn't even wounded. What is he, immortal? No.nobody is immortal, not truly.not even that Majin Buu. Not when you give the right kind of blow and destroy him completely. The realization hit me like a sledgehammer. Not when you give the right kind of blow! The right kind of blow for that beast was to destroy his body.I swallowed, but suddenly knew what was right. I had to destroy him entirely, and the only way to do that was to give everything I had- to give my very life. My life! I had just come to realize exactly what I had, to know the pure joy of my family.and now I was going to lose it all. I couldn't just leave it at that. I had to make sure they were well taken care of. Piccolo was floating above me somewhere, but suddenly he didn't matter. All that mattered was Trunks. A plan found it's way into my mind, and try as I may, I could not get it out. "Trunks. Listen. You need to take good care of your mother." Your mother! Bulma, you need to take care of.Bulma. I had never told her aloud, but I loved and respected that woman more than I loved and respected myself.  
  
Trunks looked at me blankly. "Why would you say that? Dad?" I didn't respond, and he continued, his voice suddenly very young and frightened. "Why do you want me to take care of Mom? Are you going somewhere?" Going somewhere? Yes and no, Trunks. I'm not leaving this fight, but soon I will be leaving this dimension. Oh, my son!  
  
"I want you two to leave and get far away from here." Both boys looked blank. "As for Buu, I'll fight him alone."  
  
"Don't do that!" Goten blurted, terrified, as if he knew exactly what I had planned.  
  
"Goten's right! We'll fight with you. You don't want to get killed, do you?" Oh, Trunks, if only you knew the truth of your words! "You've got to let us help you, Dad. Are you in?" he demanded, looking at Goten.  
  
"Yeah!" the other boy agreed fiercely. I felt a pang of regret deep in my heart- a regret that I had not spent more time getting to know these two boys who would be loyal to death for me.  
  
"See? We're with you!" Trunks said.  
  
I wanted to grab him, shake him, do anything that would get him to leave. Instead, I settled for words. "Stop it. It's too dangerous for you two. I will finish this by myself."  
  
Deep inside, I knew that words alone would not be enough. Neither would threats. "C'mon! It'll be easier to beat him with me and Trunks!" Ah, yes, young Goten, you have all the nobility of your father and brother.  
  
"We'll gang up on him. He.he won't know what hit him!" And when he recovers, my son? He'll destroy you as well. I couldn't bear to see that.  
  
"Yeah, we're tough," Goten agreed. "We could even beat that big blob without your help. Right Trunks?"  
  
"You bet."  
  
"Might do better than you did!" I don't know which one said the final remark, but I was amused by their reactions. Their hands flew to their mouths and each gasped slightly, terrified of what I would do to them for such an insult. I heard Goten utter a muffled, "Uh-oh," and suddenly my amusement vanished. These two boys were terrified of me! They were frightened of what I would do to them because of a simple insult.my own son, afraid of me. As easy as I could see why, I was confused. Certainly I hadn't been so horrible to them? But.I must have been, judging their reactions. They weren't always like this. I could remember times when Trunks would latch on to my back and scream his happy heart out into my ear, times when I would hold the boy and listen to him cry for whatever reason. No, not hold the boy, he was always an infant when I held him. My heart yearned for those times, times when I could hold my son with wonder and amazement, rather than insisting that he had to grow up prepared to.to what? To fight me, to kill me? It hardly makes sense anymore, now that I think about it. The only thing that makes sense is my deep longing to hold my son. Would it frighten him? How would he react? I had no way of knowing. "Trunks." I almost hesitated, afraid to continue. "You are my only son, and yet I haven't held you since you were a baby, have I?" He gave me a look of surprise and wonder, and suddenly I knew that he wanted to be held as much as I wanted to hold him. "Come here, son," I said, my voice nearly catching in my throat. I stepped toward him, hand outstretched, and pulled him close to me.  
  
"Dad, what's wrong?" he asked, looking up at me. The comment sent pain through my heart. Something had to be wrong for me to want to hold my son? What kind of a father am I? "Aw, this is embarrassing," Trunks muttered, but I could sense the smile in his voice. "Dad.c'mon, cut it out." His statement was only half-serious, and I forced myself to ignore him. I held him for a long time; it seemed like an eternity when I finally admitted that eventually, I was going to have to let go of him. I didn't want to! It was the most wonderful thing in the world, to stand there and hold my son, but if I didn't let go, I would fail to kill Buu, and my son would die.  
  
I had to say something to him, anything to let him know that I truly cared, and that this was the last thing in the world I wanted to do.something that would make him understand why. "Trunks. There's something you must know." I smiled, and my heart suddenly felt warm. "You've made me proud, my son."  
  
Trunks looked up at me, his eyes filled with amazement and joy at my words, and suddenly I wondered why I had never said them before. They made both of us so utterly happy.but I knew it had to end. Before I could gather conscious thought, enough to make me stop myself, I swung my hand down and hit Trunks in the side of the head. He went down hard, and I fought back tears at making my son hurt, but the pain was short-lived. I had only a little while, and the area needed to be cleared.  
  
Goten was shocked by my actions. He didn't understand why. I hoped that later he would. "What did you do to him? Why'd you do that? What's wrong with you? Why did you do that to Trunks? You mighta killed him!" This was background noise as I listened to Majin Buu coming nearer with every second. I might have killed Trunks? Impossible. The boy was far too strong for that measly blow to seriously injure him. "Why? Are you crazy? Why? Why did you do it? Tell me! Why did you do that to Trunks? You're his dad! Dad's aren't supposed to do bad things to their sons!" 'Dads aren't supposed to do bad things to their sons?' Oddly, I had only realized this today. I had spent Trunks' entire lifetime being as hard and cruel to him as I could. Fitting, somehow, that his final memory of me should be a violent one. "Why did you hit him? Why did you hurt him like that? Why? Why?" I gazed up at the sky and saw Piccolo above. He knew why, deep inside. I breathed calmly. It was time. I looked down at Goten, at Kakarot's young son, who was so deeply loyal to my son, and almost smiled at him. It is time to save your life, too, boy. I only hope that you and Trunks can remember me with peace.  
  
Piccolo floated down to the ground and landed calmly. Still coming closer, I could hear Buu yelling, "Me big mad! Which guy hit Buu?" as he cleared the final pile of rocks. Too close, he was too close! There wouldn't be enough time to get the children away.  
  
I glared at Piccolo. "Take the two boys as far away from here as possible. Go now."  
  
Piccolo nodded. "Of course." He understood. Tell them why I did it, Piccolo.tell them so they understand.  
  
I stared at the slowly advancing Majin Buu. "It's time. Hurry!" My voice was sharper than I intended, but if it would get my son and his friend away in time.  
  
"You'll die. You know that." It wasn't a question, and I didn't answer. We both knew the truth.  
  
And suddenly I had a question burning deep in my heart. I knew the answer, but I needed confirmation. Piccolo would give it to me honestly. "There is one thing I'd like to know." I paused. "Tell me. Will I meet that clown Kakarot in the Other World?"  
  
Piccolo stared at me for several long seconds. We both knew the truth, but he knew that I needed to hear it. He understood me very well. We are a lot alike, Piccolo and I. "I'm not going to lie to you, Vegeta, although the answer may be difficult for you to hear. This is the truth." As if I expected anything else from him. "Goku devoted his life to protecting the lives of others. Because of his selflessness, when he died, he was allowed to keep his body and travel to King Kai's planet. You, on the other hand, have spent your life in pursuit of your own selfish desires. You've caused too much pain. When you die, you will not receive the same reward." Noble Kakarot, even in death you were honored. Now, as I face death, I can understand and accept this. Back then.then I knew the truth, but I could not accept it. I suppose as one faces death, they can admit to things that would have been impossible before. And yes, what Piccolo said is the truth. You, Kakarot, have saved millions. I have murdered millions. There is no redemption for me, not even if I die saving this planet. And I can accept that.  
  
"Oh well. So be it." Yes, I accept that. Even if dying like this means that I accept that Kakarot is better than I am after all this time, it does not matter to me. Not really. All that matters is making sure my family is safe. That's all that is important in this life. "That will be all. Get out of here, and hurry!" I almost told him to tell Bulma that I loved her, but I stopped. That would cause her too much pain. Best let her remember me as the hero who could not love his own family than the one who died protecting those he loved. I couldn't bear to hurt her anymore.  
  
I kept my back turned as he scooped up the boys. I couldn't bear to watch my life slip away so neatly. He took off and it was all I could do to keep from weeping at the sudden feeling of loneliness that filled my soul.  
  
"You stay!" I was startled. Buu had arrived sooner than I anticipated. "You fight Buu!" He was staring after Piccolo, and I knew that I had to distract him so my.friends.could escape.  
  
"Yes!" I roared, turning to face him. Rage engulfed me as I stared at the ugly beast. "Your fight is with me, the others are of no concern to you. Got it, you big bloated balloon freak?" Calling the beast names felt childish, but suddenly I didn't care. This monster was taking away from me all that I care about.  
  
At least he had the brains to understand the insult. "Me no like you! Buu angry! You talk mean to Buu? Me make you hurt bad. Buu get big mad now." Somehow, I wasn't surprised. Like a child, he was easily angered. Like a child.and a warrior. "Me want fight!" 'Me want fight.' That summed up his entire existence.and mine. I had spent my entire life fighting, giving in to my heritage and spending every ounce of energy I had at fighting, destroying, proving that I was the best. No longer. Suddenly, Majin Buu didn't seem so evil anymore, just.confused in his priorities. As I had once been.  
  
"I think I finally understand you," I told the monster. He looked blank, and I smiled coldly. "Let's go!" I snapped, giving way once more to my extreme desire to destroy.  
  
The beast grinned childishly at me. "You look tasty. I make you chocolate, or maybe make you cracker and cheese." The thought of being eaten by that monster didn't appeal to me very much.  
  
"You are a fool," I snarled, as much to him as to myself. Yes, we were both fools, to think that the only way in life was to destroy and hurt everything around us. The difference between he and I was that I was prepared to change my life. He was not able to even comprehend such a change. "I'm going to crush you and throw you into the wind." I began to power up, feeling the energy soar through my body.the energy that would destroy him as well as me. As the energy began to cause extreme pain, a final, fleeting thought found it's way in my head. *Trunks.Bulma.I do this for you. And yes.even for you.Kakarot.*  
  
Finis 


End file.
